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J Butting In: Readers’ Choice

We asked readers to pick the topic of debate. We probably won’t do that again.

This week Clay and JButt engage in a scientific debate, or very loosely interpreted sorts. A Mister Ricky “Ricky” Anderson of mysterious origins challenged us to defend entirely rational positions.

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JButt: So basically Clay and I can argue about pretty much anything, from sports to dumb sports, or from celebrity crushes to French fry greatness. And the thing is, we really enjoy getting each other’s goat (WHY is this a saying??) and we wanted to invite you innocent bystanders to join the fun.

This week, we kick off our first (and probably last, because, let’s be honest, Clay is pretty terrible at consistency) Readers’ Choice post.

Clay: Wait, what are we doing?

JButt: LISTEN AND LEARN, Clayford.

So Clay and I asked one of our favorite tweeters, Ricky Anderson, to assign opposing arguments to each of us with the promise that we would argue to the death regardless of our true feelings with the zeal of high school speech and debaters who JUST finished watching The Great Debaters.

Ricky: Clay, you will argue the superiority of knees. Jessica, you will argue the superiority of elbows. The premise should be: Which would you prefer, 4 elbows or 4 knees?

Clay: Sounds reasonable.

JButt: Sounds ridiculous. I’M GONNA KNOCK YOU DOWN, KNOBBY KNEES. One point for fantastic alliteration.

Ricky: That was pretty fantastic. The bar has been set, Clay.

Clay: Now see here, I could win this debate by going positive OR negative. I’m versatile. For example, I could point out the obvs, that without knees your elbows don’t have a leg to stand on. We are the foundation. We are the base. It all begins with us. Also, elbows are super ugly.

JButt: That’s just crazy talk. Everyone knows knees are the first thing to go when you age. They’re so fragile. One little sports injury when you’re sixteen and you can pretty much bank on knee problems when you’re 40. Now elbows? The only people with elbow problems are lifelong golfers and tennis players, two sports that are pretty much exclusively designed for retirees. HENCE, not enough longevity left to develop elbow issues. WHICH MEANS, everything should be made out of elbows.

Clay: Yeah, elbows are so awesome that they get hurt by tennis. Lame. Did you forget I’m arguing for FOUR knees? So there will be a knee to spare which means you can actually do exciting things with your life. What are you going to really do with four elbows other than imitate a Mortal Kombat villain?

JButt: WRONG. Having three knees (because you blew one out) is stupid when you could have four functioning elbows. Knees RUIN athletic careers. Just ask Nancy Kerrigan. Now if Tanya Harding had gone for the elbow ol’ Nancy “MY KNEE WHY GOD WHY” Kerrigan would have been back to skate for the gold the next time around. Not only are elbows just prettier, they’re obviously more resilient.

Clay: So what I’m hearing you say is that knees are more valuable to proper functioning and performing at a high level. Thanks for making this an easy win for me.


Clay: All I’M saying is you need knees for the great artistic expressions of love throughout history. Think of all the songs in which a longing soul is down on his or her knees begging begging please.

JButt: That’s just because no one has considered the awesomeness of having four elbows. It’s still unfathomable. Cutting edge. Think about linking arms VIA ELBOWS with your best gal. IMPOSSIBLE with knees. Weird, too. So your notions of romance become just lame song lyrics instead of the ACTUAL arm-holding.

Also, you know the worst part about shaving my legs? THEEEEEE (wait for it) KNEEEEES.

Clay: But you only have to shave knees because everyone is looking. NO ONE bothers to look at ugly elbows.

JButt: You can’t use the ugly argument because I’ve already used it. You know what I used to do to gross out my kid? Wiggle my kneecaps around. Probably not super great for overall joint health but it WAS super gross.

Clay: Wait a second. I’M the one who used the ugly argument here already first. Also, I used to wiggle my knee caps around long before you ever did. I think your whole argument is to just restate what I say. That is SO like an elbow lover.


Clay: Here’s one for you. Know what the scientific name for a knee cap is? Patella. Cool, classy, refined. Know what elbow skin is called? WEENIS. “Oh, look at me. I have quadruple weenis!”

JButt: I would like you to recognize the elbow’s scientific name from henceforth: olecranon. So fancy. And you realize you just opened up the discussion to include the fact that knee skin is called the WAGINA, right? I feel like this road is leading to a place where everyone loses.

Ricky: Ok, let’s keep this family friendly, you two. I can’t decide which of your arguments is more compelling, so as the tie-breaker, you must each enter the HAIKU DOJO! In one haiku or less, please convince the populace of the superiority of your chosen body joint. LET THE BATTLE BEGIN!

JButt: ASSIGNED body joint Rickford.

Elbows are the best.

The funny bone of our lives.

You could use two more.

Clay: Okay, let me craft the perfect knee haiku ftw.

JButt: Don’t worry, Clay. I finished it up for you. A haiku by Clay.

I concede defeat.

JButt wins all the marbles.

My head hangs in shame.

Clay: Wait, you can’t haiku in my place. I was going to say–

JButt: Ooh sorry, looks like we’ve reached our word limit for this week. Thanks for the gracious concession.

[author] [author_image timthumb=’on’][/author_image] [author_info]Jessica Buttram writes, parents, laughs, and eats too much chocolate, probably right this very moment and often all at the same time. She’s also your biggest fan. FindFriendFollow.[/author_info] [/author]

By Clay Morgan

Clay Morgan is the author of Undead. Say hi on Twitter.