Featured Pop Culture

Why Hockey is the most Amazing sport and/or is Completely Irrelevant

In which Clay gets excited about hockey and JButt tries to be a killjoy.

Clay Morgan discusses pop culture while Jessica Buttram won’t let him finish. The latest J Butting In spat began when Clay asked…

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Clay: So how awesome are the NHL playoffs?!

JButt: On a scale of 1 to 10, I’d say a visit to the dentist. Necessary from time to time, but there are somewhere around an infinite number of things I’d rather be doing.

I did see a thing at the movies last month where they had a big elaborate skit or something to kick off the playoffs and they were pretending someone stole the Stanley Cup. It was cute how they assumed the majority of Americans would a) Recognize the hockey players in the skit, and b) Care.

Clay: Hockey is awesome. America has spent the past quarter century taking all the teams from Canada, and it’s like you don’t even appreciate them. Hockey is the best sport to watch live.

JButt: Clay, I’d like you to meet my friend soccer, the most popular sport IN THE WORLD. And this is its friend SEC football. And its other friend NCAA basketball. And its OTHER friend golf. What I’m saying is, golf is more exciting to watch live than hockey.

Clay: You are outside your mind. NO other sport has a playoff tournament nearly as incredible. Then again I’m from Pittsburgh where we appreciate the finer things in humanity and/or Canada.

JButt: You’re ignoring your new friends I just introduced you to, Clay. That’s not very polite of you.

Clay: Soccer? GOLF? On TV? I can’t…I don’t—

JButt: But I totally see your point about hockey playoffs. That’s probably why all the sports channels devote an entire month to the incredibleness of hockey playoffs. I think they call it March Madness. Oh, no, wait…

Here’s the thing about hockey. It’s basically figure skating but with all the padding of football, all the weird foreign rules no one really understands of cricket, and all the toothlessness of boxing. IT’S BASICALLY FIGURE SKATING, CLAY. The Cutting Edge tells us so.

Clay: You just lost half the continent. Don’t you live in Nashville? They have a team, you know. Are you just grumpy because the Predators didn’t make the playoffs? Did you know they didn’t? Did you know Nashville even has a team? One of their players is Mr. Carrie Underwood by the way.

JButt: Actually, I live in Knoxville. WAY TO GENERALIZE, CLAY. And we have the Ice Bears, but I’m not sure if they’re even part of the NHL, or if they’re just a bunch of guys in ice skates and football uniforms and dentures.

What is even the point of hockey, other than slamming people up against the glass and losing as many teeth as possible? The goals are like, 2 feet wide, and a giant man wearing roughly 17 layers of padding is blocking it. And please tell me why there’s no out of bounds. Guys are twirling around behind the goals like ALL THE TIME. THOSE RED LINES DON’T MEAN ANYTHING. No wonder everyone just ends up brawling. They’re all just like, “Man, this game is pointless, and I’m wearing 30 pounds of clothing, and 27 of my teeth are fake, and I’m basically just figure skating. I NEED TO PUNCH.”

Clay: Nashville, Knoxville, WHATEVER. I don’t think it’s very ethical to employ bears for sport like that.

How does out of bounds add legitimacy to a sport? The very absence of it keeps play moving and exciting.

JButt: Haven’t you ever heard EVERY youth pastor say bounds make everything more fun?? Hockey is for pagans.

Clay: And the combination of skill, grace, power, and toughness needed to play the sport? Unparalleled.

JButt: Except you LITERALLY just described gymnastics. And cheerleading. And figure skating.

Clay: More emphasis on team than any other major sport? Check. It’s why the NHL is passing up the NBA in popularity.

JButt: DISCLAIMER: I didn’t click the link because bored. But I think I can safely assume the “why” is because the NBA is full of pansies. I wouldn’t exactly call that a win.

Clay: The only reason TV coverage is lacking is because ESPN cried like a baby years ago because the NHL didn’t send them flowers or something. But now NBC is backing ice hockey up big time, and with great visibility comes great awareness of awesomeness.

JButt: HAHAHA, no one watches NBC for the sports.

So what I’m hearing is, you’re right, Jess, hockey IS totally all about the skating around and the brawling and the gracefulness and paradox of skating around while brawling, the end.

Clay: What I’m hearing is that you’re still angry because you didn’t get picked for the figure skating team.


Clay: Fine. I’ll stick to amazing NHL playoff action and you can watch every college basketball team you pick lose each March.

JButt: I MEAN, you just couldn’t leave Duke out of this, could you.

[author] [author_image timthumb=’on’][/author_image] [author_info]Jessica Buttram writes, parents, laughs, and eats too much chocolate, probably right this very moment and often all at the same time. She’s also your biggest fan. FindFriendFollow.[/author_info] [/author]

Does anyone else care about hockey?

BONUS: Working titles suggested by JButt which Clay did not approve:

  • Why Clay thinks hockey is a thing even though America disagrees with him
  • NHL Playoffs Are Happening and No One Cares
  • If this was high school, The NHL Playoffs would be the kid in chemistry who tutored all the popular kids in chemistry

By Clay Morgan

Clay Morgan is the author of Undead. Say hi on Twitter.