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March Madness: Broken Brackets, Broken Hearts, French Fries

There can only be one national champion. Also only one best french fry.

Clay Morgan discusses pop culture while Jessica Buttram won’t let him finish. The latest J Butting In spat began when Clay asked…

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Clay: So Jess, can I call you Jess?

JButt: Sure, if I can call you Nancy.

Clay: Did you fill out a bracket for March Madness—America’s annual collegiate basketball tournament?

JButt: LISTEN. I feel like you should know this. I picked my bracket this year based on the loosest terms possible, which means I picked Pitt over Colorado because I know you but I don’t know anyone from Colorado. So basically, THANKS FOR MAKING MY BRACKET THAT MUCH MORE ACCURATE.

One year I created a complex statistical formula that weighted each game based on each team’s points scored and allowed per game over the regular season, plus I gave extra weight to higher seeds, PLUS I factored in distance from their home court, which would have accounted for more/less fans making the trek to the game. Aaaaaand…basically that bracket was JUNK. NANCY. HUMANS DON’T BEHAVE STATISTICALLY. My life doesn’t even make sense anymore.

Clay: Oh, I hear that JESS. I kept getting everything wrong for years, so I switched to a coin flip method, but that didn’t work so I had my students randomly shout numbers. But that didn’t work either, so this year I’m trying a new method of not even looking at any brackets or games ever.

JButt: I had Oklahoma going to the Final Four, but North Dakota State stomped all over my bracket with that Cinderella win. Just up and stomped on it. I’m pretty sure North Dakota is the whitest state in America, and Woody Harrelson Haymitch taught us all that white men can’t jump. I’m going back to statistically analyzing the deliciousness of doughnuts. The probability of my eating a doughnut in the next 24 hours? 100%, Clay, ONE HUNDRED PERCENT.

So you aren’t going to fill out a bracket? What if we made a bracket of Renaissance artists? Or maybe fast food restaurants – that’s more my speed. GREATEST FRENCH FRY IN AMERICA. GO.

Clay: You can’t just go greatest French Fry in the country without qualification. I mean, everyone will just say “Grandpa’s homemade ones!” Now, fast food franchises is a different thing. WENDY’S since they switch it up and added sea salt. Also Arby’s curly fries. Also McDonalds which I think are laced with addictive narcotics.

JButt: Your McDonald’s theory makes SO MUCH SENSE. My Fast Food French Fries Final Four (I think I just singlehandedly redefined “alliteration”) would be: McDonald’s cocaine-laced fries, Chick-Fil-A’s waffle fries, Five Guys’ thick-cut fries, and Burger King’s SatisFRIES. HA. Just kidding about that last one. I’d be remiss if I didn’t stick Rally’s delicious seasoned fries in there. Remember Rally’s?

Arby’s & Wendy’s don’t make the cut, unless you include a Frosty. Is there a Frosty involved?

Clay: Since this is serious business there’s not even ketchup involved. How did I forget Chick-Fil-A?! Yes, those win.

But focus. Who did you pick to win the March Madness tourney?

JButt: Duke. You did that on purpose, didn’t you.

Clay: HAHAHAHAHA nice pick. Hey, maybe you should pick Abraham Lincoln to win the presidency in 2016.

JButt: Abe has been layin’ low ever since his vampireness got totally blown up by that one book and then movie.

But seriously, Duke going down in Round 1 is basically McDonald’s fries losing to a day-old batch of generic-brand frozen fries you BAKED IN THE OVEN because your FryDaddy is a 30-year-old relic you bought at a yard sale for $1.50 that shocks you every time you plug it in and today is not a good day to die.


Clay: I don’t think it’s very nice to hate on yard sale FryDaddies because Duke ruined your bracket. Those FryDaddy machines were JUST as bad right from the store.

You know, given your preferences when it comes to picking things I’m not sure McDonald’s wants you getting behind their fries.

JButt: It’s true. I’m terrible at picking March Madness. That, and lottery numbers. I have literally NEVER won the lottery. Unless you count the bucket of fries I’m planning on picking up from McDonald’s on the way home. CHA-CHING.

Speaking of CHA-CHING, I’m totally cashing in on Tennessee making it to the Sweet 16 when everyone else was like, fire that coach! As a Tennessee resident, I will proudly say I did not sign the Bring Bruce Back petition, mostly because I wasn’t even sure who Tennessee’s coach was because I’m an Auburn fan (#irony), but a little bit because I didn’t feel like clicking on any links on Facebook that day, and EVEN LITTLER because that’s just hurtful.

Clay: NOBODY EVEN KNOWS WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT. Plus Tennessee lost to Michigan so give it up. IT’S OVER.

JButt: IT’S ALL MOVING TOO FAST, CLAY. It doesn’t even matter anymore because by the time I find some nebulous (great word, right?!) reason to attach myself to a team, THEY LOSE. I’m blaming ALL THINGS on Duke. It’s the American way.

Now pass the fries, you fries hog.

[author] [author_image timthumb=’on’][/author_image] [author_info]Jessica Buttram writes, parents, laughs, and eats too much chocolate, probably right this very moment and often all at the same time. She’s also your biggest fan. Find. Friend. Follow.[/author_info] [/author]

Who does have the best french fries and or college basketball team?

By Clay Morgan

Clay Morgan is the author of Undead. Say hi on Twitter.