This week JButt tries to advise Clay about proper celebrity BFF selection but really just wants to tell Matt Damon it’s not his fault that it’s not the 1990s anymore. Also somebody who isn’t the tallest person in this conversation may be having a birthday.
JButt: So I stumbled across this magnificent list the other day and couldn’t help but wonder why I don’t have a celebrity best friend. You know what would be extra surprising? If Thor’s best friend was a regular, non-celebrity mom of two kids from Tennessee whose only big break came when she was in 4th grade when she spoke to the local news about baking cookies to send to the soldiers in Desert Storm. (Hint: I am that mom.)
Clay: I wouldn’t call that list magnificent.
JButt: Because you are jealous.
Clay: And why does that stupid site make me answer questions to look at a picture of Jason Bourne and Thor on a water slide?
JButt: Because that site knows what the people want and the people want action hero besties on a water slide. That is JUST delightful.
Clay: I hope Matt Damon doesn’t corrupt Chris Hemsworth with all his stupid words. And congrats on those cookies. Showoff.
JButt: I have a heart of gold, Clay. A bleeding heart of gold.
And I can’t help but notice your unfounded animosity toward Matt Damon. I mean, it’s come up once or twice. Do we need to talk about that? Do you need to discuss your resentment of Will Hunting? Do you need to let it all out? I’m all ears, Clay. That is, until Thor invites me to Six Flags.
Clay: Actually, I really like lots of Damon’s roles. Jason Bourne? Hecks yeah. Rounders and the Ocean’s Eleven movies. Fantastic. It’s just that he throws in steaming bags of excrement here and there and is one of the worst celebrity wannabe activists when he says lines not in movie scripts.
So no, Matt Damon wouldn’t be my celebrity BFF. I don’t know which actor I would say. Now actresses…that’s a different story.
JButt: We aren’t talking about celebrity crushes, Clay. YET.
Clay: So who do you want to be your celebrity BFF?
JButt: I’m actually torn between Emma Stone and Jennifer Lawrence. Anna Kendrick is also a solid contender.
I just feel like if they ever met me, we would totally hit it off and weekends would be spent slumber-partying at each other’s houses and having dance battles to all my Ludacris CDs from the early 2000s.
Clay: You do realize that Emma Stone was a pre-teen in the early 2000s right?
JButt: THANKS A LOT, I’m already feeling extra old today. By the way, I haven’t gotten my birthday present from you yet. It’s in the mail, isn’t it. IT’S THOR, ISN’T IT.
Clay: You can’t play the birthday card on me in the middle of… heh, “birthday card….”
JButt: But seriously, don’t act like you haven’t considered how awesome it would be to surf with Matthew McConaughey & Woody Harrelson, or read encyclopedias with Sean Connery, I don’t know, whatever gets you super excited. How am I supposed to know what nerds do for fun?
Clay: YOU’RE A NERD. Now that I think about it, I don’t know what actor I’d want to hang with. There are plenty I’d like to chat with, sure, but BFF status? There’s only one guy I can think of. Dule Hill because he’s awesome and you know how I feel about Psych.
JButt: Hit the jackal switch, Clay.
Clay: Nice Psych reference. Maybe McConaughey I guess. Except he’d just want to take his clothes off which would get weird.
JButt: I disagree with your assessment of what is weird.
Clay: Brad Pitt comes to mind. Hey, did you see that time Brad Pitt threw a beer to Matthew McConaughey and Drew Brees was there?!?! That was awesome. Yeah, I wish I was there.
JButt: That was a balcony full of handsome.
I agree with your opinion that Brad Pitt is one handsome man, and his movies are cool.
Clay: Wait, when did I say Brad Pitt was handsome? I mean, he is–
JButt: But I fell off the Brad Pitt bandwagon ages ago. I just feel like he’s one of those super pretentious “I have to prove how smart I am because I’m so handsome even though I’m not smart enough to write an Academy Award-winning movie about a math whiz janitor” guys. Like, I once read an interview where he was talking about how difficult parenting was, and his go-to example of difficult parenting was something like, “You have to give your kids plenty of time to adjust to change. Like when they’re playing and it’s bed time, you can’t just say it’s bed time. You have to give them a five-minute warning or something.”
This was several years ago, so that might not be a direct quote. Point is, I’ve been harboring my resentment for awhile now.
Clay: Gosh, you’re lucky it’s your birthday because I will spare Matt Damon on your behalf because your feelings for him are just kind of sad. But listen: IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT.
JButt: LOOK. It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to.
Clay: Now I really want to hang out with Brad Pitt and we’ll read all your old blog posts and find a sentence to criticize you about. I mean, Happy Birthday you’re the best.
JButt: WHATever. You just got yourself uninvited to my birthday balcony.