This week Clay and JButt return but instead of telling each other what they did over summer vacation instead to play Would You Rather? Pop culture style. Everything started fine but naturally things got personal, choices were made, things were said about Chris Hemsworth and Kate Beckinsale and, well, you’ll see…
Clay: Hey JButt, summer’s over. Get your head back in the game. Specifically, do you know that game Would You Rather?
JButt: Would you rather me answer, or just get started?
Clay: Fine. But for anyone out there who ISN’T a know-it-all, the basic idea is choosing between two terrible hypothetical choices.
JButt: Would you rather me chastise you for calling me a know-it-all (because we both know I’m MERELY a know-it-most), or just go ahead and prove I’m smarter than you?
Clay: Um, sure. More like would you rather have a toe for a nose or a nose for a toe? You know, stupid stuff like that. Only I thought it would be more interesting to do a pop culture edition of Would You Rather.
JButt: BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT WE DO. I’ll go first. Would you rather be the least famous Kardashian, or Kanye West’s personal assistant?
Clay: Why do YOU always get to go first? It was MY idea.
JButt: Because chivalry or something. So which would you rather?
Clay: I’d rather be Kanye’s assistant because then I could spike his guava juice with laxative and quit and never see any of them again, ESPECIALLY after the way they treated me.
JButt: I feel like that’s cheating. You can’t pick one of the rathers just to quit before it ruins your hypothetical life.
Clay: Why do you want to ruin my hypothetical life so bad?
JButt: It’s like you don’t even know me.
Clay: Whatevs. My turn. Would you rather have Vin Diesel’s voice or have to look like Geoffrey Rush every year on your birthday?
JButt: EASY. Vin Diesel’s voice HANDS DOWN. As in, can you actually make that happen in real life? I want that to happen. Do you know how much more obedient my kids would be if my mom voice sounded like Vin Diesel?
Clay: Okay, Groot.
JButt: Now that you mention him, would you rather look like Groot but sound like Chewbacca, or look like Chewbacca and sound like Groot Diesel?
Clay: Simple, look like Chewbacca and sound like Groot Diesel. And I would hang out with Han ALL the time.
Would you rather have a tattoo of Mike Tyson on your forehead or have Keira Knightley’s mouth?
JButt: HA, so you agree her mouth is just SO WEIRD?! My work here is done. Mike Tyson tat, because I would make it so small it would just look like a mole, but then if someone looked with a magnifying glass, they’d be all like, WHOA, THAT’S ACTUALLY A TATTOO OF MIKE TYSON! And I’d be all like, RIGHT?!
Clay: Curse your qualifications. I’m getting more specific from now on.
JButt: Would you rather live the rest of your life as Adam Sandler as The Waterboy, or Johnny Depp as Edward Scissorhands?
Clay: I need you to give me a very important piece of information before rendering my decision: If I say Bobby Boucher do I have to stay with Vicki Vallencourt forever or can we separate? Because Fairuza Balk is the worst.
JButt: She is seriously the worst. Your life choices will be your own, Bobby.
Clay: Okay, then I definitely choose Waterboy if I can escape Fairuza Balk and her stupid sneer.
Okay, here’s one. All the people of earth will know you made this decision. You must give either Matt Damon or Chris Hemsworth the hair, voice, and muscle tone of Screech Powers. Who do you choose?
JButt: Ehhhhhhh, this one feels merciless. But I’m going to say Matt Damon. I’m not saying his acting chops are stronger than Chris Hemsworth’s; I’m saying Chris Hemsworth needs to look like Chris Hemsworth for everyone’s own good. I make decisions FOR THE PEOPLE.
Okay, I wasn’t going to bring Kate Beckinsale into this, but you leave me no choice.
Would you rather be the gardener of a suddenly-single Kate Beckinsale with the only chance of wooing her wholly dependent on your prodigious skill of shaping hedges in her likeness, OR be yourself with a once-in-a-lifetime chance meeting with a suddenly-single Kate Beckinsale with all the charms you (think you) possess EXCEPT you are constantly being followed by a die-hard Twilight fan girl who is completely convinced you are a real life Edward Cullen with absolutely no hope of ever shaking her from your life? Choose wisely.
[Editor’s note: it took Clay a full 24 hours to make a decision.]
Clay: I don’t want to play anymore.
[Editor’s note: correction…NON-decision. Also, Clay is a little tiny baby who hates to lose hypothetical games.]
JButt: What I hear you saying is I won this round.
Clay: FINE. While I would love to go all Eminem and only have one shot to woo my Kate, the LAST thing anyone needs is another crazy person in their life, and with no hope of shaking Twilight girl I choose to be Kate’s gardener. At least I’ll always have Emily Blunt if it doesn’t work out.
JButt: I was really hoping you’d choose scenario B so I could berate you for only thinking of yourself. Oh, well, there’s always next time.
[Editor’s note: JButt definitely danced off into the sunset singing “We are the Champions.”]
Clay: Hey, you can’t editor-note-declare-yourself-winner-and-dance-off-victoriously-into-the-sunset me! Hello? Are you listening to me? Sigh…
[author] [author_image timthumb=’on’]http://www.norvillerogers.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/Jessica-Buttram2a.jpeg[/author_image] [author_info]Jessica Buttram writes, parents, laughs, and eats too much chocolate, probably right this very moment and often all at the same time. She’s also your biggest fan. Find. Friend. Follow.[/author_info] [/author]