This week Clay invites JButt to dream of the most magical spot in fiction (okay, basically movies) to take a summer vacation. It was actually a delightful conversation until Clay bared his soul at which point JButt bared her teeth. That MIGHT be over-dramatic but guess who writes the intros…
Clay: So I was thinking about all the places people go on vacation every summer and how much cooler it would be to go to fictional places as if they were parallel destinations.
JButt: Seriously? What’s it like to live in your brain? I imagine lots of colors and flashing lights. But yeah, I’ll play.
Let’s get the most obvious place out of the way. NARNIA. NO DOI. I was torn between that and Hogwarts, but unless I can also have wizarding powers on this vacation, I’ll go get a tan with Aslan.
WAIT. Do we also get to hang out with the characters of these places? Do we get to be BFFs with them on this vacation? Kind of like Summer Lovin’ but with fictional characters? Am I going off the deep end? WHAT ARE YOUR PARAMETERS?!
Clay: Here are parameters:
a) Some part of the story setting must be summery-y.
b) Yes, characters can be there.
c) It has to be more fictional place than real place with fictional characters. i.e. you can’t just say Astoria but could say the Goon Docks. Which I just did.
JButt: WHAAAAAAT?! Is that your choice? So basically you want to spend your summer vacation in the suburbs with a bunch of kids? WELCOME TO MY NONFICTION WORLD, CLAY. I don’t want to make you feel bad about your choice, so I’ll just say this: your choice is terrible.
Clay: I didn’t say it was my choice choice. Sheesh. Parameter d) You get to talk about multiple places especially as examples when someone bugs you about parameters.
JButt: Sure, okay. I’ll give you a second to rethink your choice choice. You can’t come to Narnia though, I’ve got an exclusive timeshare there.
Clay: I just KNEW you were going to take Narnia but felt like you could use a win here for once and let you have it.
JButt: I’LL TAKE IT.
What about real places but not in the present? Like, if I wanted to hang out with (my favorite) Sir Percy Blakeney during the French Revolution never mind I didn’t think that one through.
Clay: Yeah, not sure I’d want to go frolicking around during the Reign of Terror, but historical places in fiction could work.
JButt: Any places in the future would be dumb, though, because all of the apocalypses.
Clay: It’s not like every future is dystopian or apocalyptic though. What about summer vaca in one of those Star Trek worlds? That would be cool.
JButt: Especially if Benedict Cumberbatch could narrate my vacation the whole time. “This morning, on the planet of some name because I’m not a Trekky, our noble heroine awakened to a glorious sunrise in the far galaxy of wherever. The day was new, stretching before her like the white sandy beaches of this alien world.” (I am that heroine.)
JButt: DON’T YOU EVEN ACT ALL TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL.
Moving on. So since I totally thought of Narnia first neener neener, where would you fictionally vacation?
Clay: Okay, I’ll give you the runner-up fictional vacation first, and it’s SO close. Hard to top Hill Valley, California circa 1985. I would go to Hill Valley High School and be best friends with Marty McFly and we would meet Doc and travel through time in a Delorean that eventually FLIES!
JButt: OH, SNAP. How are you going to top that? Well, since you get a runner-up, then it’s only fair we talk about my runner-up. Let me BLOW YOUR MIND with a summer-long visit to Pandora of Avatar fame. Blue Tiger-People jumpsuits required; Sigourney Weaver not so much.
JButt: SO JUDGE-Y. Okay, I’ll try harder. How about a summer-long visit to WILLY WONKA’S CHOCOLATE FACTORY. Golden ticket not required; Gene Wilder is. BOOM. IT’S ALL THERE, BLACK AND WHITE, CLEAR AS CRYSTAL.
Clay: Nice! And you could fly around in the Wonkavator while I’m cruising the skies in my Delorean. But the Oompa Loompas would freak me right out.
JButt: Um, allow me to introduce myself.
Clay: You do have a certain Oompa Loompa factor. The height, the stern expression, the ominous acapella and harpsichord music playing when you enter a room.
JButt: ACA-SCUSE ME, MY HARPSICHORDIST HAS A NAME, CLAY. Probably something like Stan or whatever.
But anyway, the winner of Clay’s Fictional Summer Getaway is…?
Clay: Field of Dreams! I would love to go to Ray Kinsella’s baseball field in Iowa. You get to play baseball with legendary ghosts, go on road trips with James Earl Jones, step back into random times to meet amazing people like Doc “Moonlight” Graham, and in the end experience healing when regrets are supernaturally dealt with. AND to top it all off you eventually are called into the corn a.k.a. heaven. GO THE DISTANCE, Jessie.
JButt: I…can’t decide how I feel about that. Wait, yeah, I can.
LET DOWN. WOMP WOMP.
You picked baseball over time travel?! SPOILER ALERT: THE DELOREAN CAN ALSO STEP BACK INTO RANDOM TIMES except you don’t have to JUST meet baseball player ghosts. And I think a road trip with Doc INTO TIME is better than a regular one with JE Jones (that’s what his friends call him) and multiple pee breaks.
Clay: LOOK, I was gonna go with BTTF first, but then remembered you get to, I don’t know, GO TO HEAVEN after reconciling past relationships. So excuse me for taking the NOBLE path. You better go to Narnia soon. Maybe Aslan will forgive you for being so judge-y.
JButt: A). Already planning on going to Heaven.
B). But not at the end of summer vacation.
C). We need to discuss how to use audience anticipation effectively. Lesson #1: Not to build up lame choices.
Clay: UGH. Fine. I want to go to Florin so Buttercup can tell me what to do all the time and I can become the Dread Pirate Roberts. Inigo Montoya will be my BFF, and I’ll recite slam poetry with Fezzik.
JButt: Now THAT’S a summer vacation. If Narnia is all booked up I mean.
[author] [author_image timthumb=’on’]http://www.norvillerogers.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/Jessica-Buttram2a.jpeg[/author_image] [author_info]Jessica Buttram writes, parents, laughs, and eats too much chocolate, probably right this very moment and often all at the same time. She’s also your biggest fan. Find. Friend. Follow.[/author_info] [/author]