This week Clay and JButt consider what the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have meant to each of them personally over the years and whether the forthcoming feature film will satisfy or disappoint. Well, that was supposed to happen, but mostly JButt just hates on Clay’s favorite ninja turtle.
Clay: So the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie is almost here, and I don’t know how to process my emotions about it. On the one hand, it’s TMNT. On the other hand, Michael Bay made it. I smell a ninjutsu rat.
JButt: I think you need to clarify which hand is which. That’s like, on one hand, they’re turtles. On the other hand, their leader is a sewer rat. Or, on one hand, it’s the same guy who brought Transformers back. On the other hand, Megan Fox. We could really go either way with this.
Clay: Yeah, he brought Transformers back and turned it into a steaming pile of LeBouf.
JButt: Be fair. The first movie revived a beloved 80s franchise. And Josh Duhamel’s career.
Clay: As if it ever really died. Speaking of beloved 80s franchises that need revived I’m STILL waiting for–
JButt: STOP. Next time, Clayford. These turtles deserve our undivided attention.
Clay: Fine. Part of me thinks this new TMNT is going to be amazing, but another part of me thinks it might be super stupid and not garner the respect that a story about mutant turtles with ninja skills deserves.
JButt: HERE’S THE THING: these new turtles are a little uncomfortable looking. As with everything these days, I feel like they’re trying to make the ninja turtles (shudders) sexy. I was pretty bothered by how prominent their teeth were. TURTLES DON’T HAVE TEETH. I mean, they also don’t have ripped biceps but I pick my battles. They should still look like this.
Clay: So you think the green is off? It’s like the Christopher Nolan effect. “We need to make these turtles edgier, more gritty.” I bet by the time we get to Smurfs 3 they’re going to all scowl and be the color of the Man of Steel costume.
JButt: Gritty Smurf is soooo dreamy. Ew. THIS IS SO WEIRD. TMNT was made to be cheesy and campy and so far off-base. Remember getting a canister of ooze with each ninja turtle action figure?! That was the best.
Clay: Well, I’m a tad older so for me it was Slimer’s ectoplasm for my Ghostbusters firehouse, but go on.
JButt: My sister and I used to fight over which turtle was our favorite. We both wanted to be Michelangelo because pizza.
Clay: Yeah, Michelangelo was always the clown, so I appreciated him. He was to TMNT what Bart was to The Simpsons. But he’s not the one I always wanted to be. That honor goes to Donatello–unassuming yet powerful, a perfect combination of strength and smarts.
JButt: Donatello?! You know he was the PURPLE ninja whose weapon was a STICK, right?! All the other turtles got real weapons and Donnie got a stick.
Clay: A stick? A STICK? You don’t even know. The bo staff is amazing and you–
JButt: And why purple? Not very threatening to the foot clan. I mean, OF COURSE you’re Donatello.
Clay: What, just because a guy wears purple he can’t wreck your world? Umm, how about Magneto, the Joker, and–
JButt: Count von Count, Share Bear, Tinky Winky, BARNEY…
Clay: OMG I can’t do this with you right now. Look, here’s a quiz on Nick.com to tell you what turtle you are. I’ll prove I’m Donatello and that he’s awesome.
Clay: WHAT. THE. SHELL?
JButt: WHOA. How did I forget about Raphael’s pet turtle? Doesn’t that feel a little racist? What if we had pet humans who were just slightly less evolved than us oh wait, we do, they’re called kids.
Clay: So you’re saying Raphael had a hatchling out of turtlelock? Seems judge-y, but then again you totally are.
I feel like this quiz is not scientific at all. I am SO not the “fight first and ask questions later” guy. I use words so I don’t have to fight.
JButt: It’s probably because you said your favorite fruit was strawberries. SO RAPHAEL OF YOU.
Clay: Okay fine. You take it.
JButt: Well, when I took the quiz it was SPOT. ON. I’m Leonardo. A DOI.
Clay: No WAY you’re the leader.
JButt: UMMM IT CLEARLY SAYS I AM. You’re just jealous of my square jaw. PLUS it said Raph and Leo CONSTANTLY CLASH. If that’s not real life, then I don’t know what is.
Clay: That’s it, I’m taking this stupid quiz again. BECAUSE IT MATTERS.
JButt: Go ahead, I’ll just wait patiently here next to your dignity.
Clay: STUPID QUIZ! What is even going on? Hold on…
JButt: *twiddles fingers, soothes Clay’s dignity*
Clay: So I lied and said plums were my favorite fruit and FINALLY got Donatello. So basically none of the questions matter. You just pick a fruit color that matches each turtle’s mask. Purple FTW. Wait, what were we supposed to be talking about?
JButt: What a wuss Donnie is, am I right? HIGH THREE!
Clay: Yeah right. Let’s just take a look at Donatello in action, shall we?
See, not only can he think but he can fight. He’s basically the Batman of the Turtle clan. This new movie better show that.
JButt: OOH, you know who else has a stick? Casey Jones. He’s not a teenager, a mutant, a ninja, OR a turtle. So basically, I win this argument.
Clay: I don’t think you get to just declare the argument as–
JButt: Now let’s talk about how the ONLY way I’ll accept Megan Fox as April O’Neil is if Michael Bay makes her wear that ridiculous yellow jumpsuit the WHOLE time.
Clay: Well, it’s being updated, so I’d expect skinny jeans and yoga pants instead. I don’t know, the whole thing just isn’t getting me excited. I mean the movie, not what Megan Fox is wearing. I mean, oh shut up.
JButt: I MEAN, SURE, WHATEVER. I’m hesitant about this movie. I think we can agree on that, even if we don’t agree that your taste in turtles is disastrous.
Clay: You are the Krang of this relationship.
JButt: That just means I’m the brains. KNEW IT ALL ALONG.
[author] [author_image timthumb=’on’]http://www.norvillerogers.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/Jessica-Buttram2a.jpeg[/author_image] [author_info]Jessica Buttram writes, parents, laughs, and eats too much chocolate, probably right this very moment and often all at the same time. She’s also your biggest fan. Find. Friend. Follow.[/author_info] [/author]