Superman vs. Batman: Too Early to Geek Out About That?

Clay Morgan discusses pop culture while Jessica Buttram won’t let him finish. The latest J Butting In spat began when JButt said…

JButt: So you’re a guy and guys like action movies, and also superheroes, so maybe you can tell me a little bit more about the upcoming movie Superman vs. Batman, and why people are talking about May 6, 2016, like it’s a few weeks away.

Clay: Way to gender stereotype there. But I know I’m super masculine so you were right to come to me with this. Short answer: BECAUSE IT’S AWESOME. Maybe you don’t get it because you’re a girl. For starters, if Superman and Batman fight then the highlight of 2016 is already established.

JButt: My stereotyping you is the only reason we’re still friends, Clay. But why on earth would Superman and Batman ever fight?

Clay: Maybe because Superman got tired of Batman stereotyping him all the time.

JButt: Superman stops speeding bullets with his rippling pecs. I mean, does Batman know that about Superman? Meanwhile, Batman just ninja kicks things while talking like the Men’s Wearhouse guy. Look, I love superheroes as much as the next guy, but I think I’m missing some essential backstory here. I just want to grab their hands and say, GUYS. YOU’RE ON THE SAME SIDE. Except maybe Superman takes up more space on that one side, because Batman’s ninja kicks probably just feel like tickle fights to Superman.

Clay: Do they know each other? They only hang out in the Super Café like ALL the time. Personally, I’m with you on the whole Superman could destroy Batman’s internal organs just by winking at him, although I’m sure my co-host here JR does NOT want to hear any of that.

JButt: Well, JR thinks I’m a pansy who can’t watch scary movies. NEVER MIND HE’S TOTALLY RIGHT. All I’m saying is he carries no weight in this here chat.

JR: BOO! Not to butt in here, but Batman can hang with Superman because he’s way, way smarter than Superman. To be fair, this hasn’t been portrayed well in the current crop of Bat-films (even BatBale was super-dim compared to comics Batman). But the whole point is that Batman has thought of and planned for every contingency.

JButt: Did he plan on getting his back broken like he was a peppermint stick and Bane was a super hungry toddler?

Clay: JR! Nice to see someone butting in who actually knows stuff.

JButt: HEY. I KNOW STUFF. Like, superheroes have muscles. Hello, muscles.

Clay: I guess if Lex Luthor could hang with Supes then the Dark Knight could as well. But Superman ALWAYS wins.

JR: Actually, Batman usually wins. He cheats because he’s more morally ambiguous than Superman. Batman’s only rule is that he won’t kill. Everything else is fair game. 

Superman has all the principles. And he’s sort of a dummy. Plus, he doesn’t kill, no matter what.

Whoops. Except in this darkest-timeline Snyder-Nolanverse. Apparently Superman kills if things get bad enough now. So maybe Batman invents kryptonite.

JButt: He does WHAT? Holy Spoiler Alert, Batman! First Superman fathers a child out of wedlock, a child who killed a guy with a piano (unless we aren’t counting THAT travesty of a reboot), and now he kills a fella? UGHHHH, what is even happening.

JR: Oh… sorry. Spoiler for a film we’ve been talking about for like 20 minutes that came out a year ago.

JButt: IT’S ON MY TO DO LIST, JR, GOSH.

JR: But for real: the fact that you both side with Superman puts you on the side of the jocks. I expect that from Clay, but from you, JButt? The pen is mightier and all that.

JButt: I’m going to fall back on what JR said immediately following, “To be fair…” To be fair, Christian Bale’s brain power was portrayed by Morgan Freeman.

JR.: Touche. Way to use that brain. Brains are the best. Right, everyone?

Clay: Hey, maybe that’s why they fight. Maybe this new “Man of Steel” who isn’t really Superman winks at Batman like that scene in Field of Dreams.

JButt: You probably missed it, Clay, but JR. just called you a dumb jock.

Clay: Oh yeah! I’ve been ad hominemed. I would never do that. Also, JR. is a booger-brain and has cooties.

JButt: But back to my original question, can you shed some comic book geek light on why Superman vs. Batman is even happening? Is it because Superman is the uncontested president of the Justice League? Was Batman even invited to be in the Justice League? Maybe he was uninvited into the Justice League and that’s what the fight is all about.

Clay: Maybe DC was just inspired by our J Butting In rivalry.

JButt: I mean, I like Batman, and if I ever ran into Christian Bale on the streets somewhere, I’d probably start weeping in gratitude for sharing the same space with him for a minute, and I totally agree that Batman is a superhero whose superpower was super wealth and PTSD, but if I was somehow given the enormous task of ranking superheroes in order of awesomeness, he probably wouldn’t even crack the Top 10. I say “probably” because I’m not entirely sure I can even name ten superheroes right now.

JR: Butting in again. This is how DC/Warner Brothers is setting up the Justice League. Basically now you have a Superman who kills people. He’s like a rogue nuke that’s armed and no one has the launch codes for. Batman is going to SHUT. HIM. DOWN. Most likely with extreme prejudice.

Then they’ll realize their real enemy is FEAR or whatever and they’ll be SuperFriends and then BAM Justice League in 2018. Also, Batman is the president of the Justice League. Superman gets to be in it because Batman feels sorry for him.

Also, have we mentioned that Wonder Woman and Cyborg are in this movie?

JButt: I will only accept Wonder Woman as portrayed by circa-1990s Lucy Lawless. They can do that, right?

Clay: Um, you guys are getting off topic.

JR: You’re getting an ex-Israeli military named Gal Gadot.

Clay: Focus, you two.

JButt: Oh. Circa-1990s Lucy Lawless was probably busy.

Clay: Can we–

JR: But still no solo film. Wonder Woman is a complex, elusive character. That’s probably a metaphor for how every boy who reads comics feels about all women. How’s THAT for a stereotype?

Clay: *reaches for liquor bottle*

JButt: No wonder all the male superheroes wear full-body uniforms and Wonder Woman is in a scandalously patriotic leotard.

But I still think Superman and Batman should just arm wrestle and call it a day, and everyone else can simmer down for a couple of years. CAN’T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG? AND BE PATIENT?

[author] [author_image timthumb=’on’]http://www.norvillerogers.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/Jessica-Buttram2a.jpeg[/author_image] [author_info]Jessica Buttram writes, parents, laughs, and eats too much chocolate, probably right this very moment and often all at the same time. She’s also your biggest fan. Find. Friend. Follow.[/author_info] [/author]

So … Batman, Superman, or Lucy Lawless?