Overcoming Adversity: The Plight of Poorly Named Celeb Kids

This week Clay and JButt turn their divided attention to the way people name human babies after fictional movie characters but then they mostly just find weird names that movie people give to their babies. For answers they turn to a man who knows all about celebrities and human babies and apparently Dick Tracy.

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JButt: So we’re both fans of pop culture, but can we agree that naming your child should bear more weight than, “OMG, KATNISS & PEETA 4EVA!”? Of course, this is coming from a lady who named her kids Bug & Bean on social media, so basically I have no room to judge except for when I judge ALL THE MOMS with little girls named Bella. Oh, but it’s a family name? Your grandmother’s, perhaps? DOESN’T EVEN MATTER.

Clay: Actually, in many cultures a person’s name is extremely sig–

JButt: EXACTLY. Point made. Glad you agree with me. NEXT.

Clay: LOOK, you’re talking to a guy who a) Loves movies and b) Was named after the original TV Lone Ranger–Clayton Moore. So movies are a great place to find baby name inspiration.

JButt: False. Your name is Clayford, named after the claymation characterization of Henry Ford. DUH. And maybe if the movie/book was INSPIRING should you be allowed to find baby name inspiration. For instance, I am ALL FOR Atticus being in the Top 10.

Clay: HEY ZACK SNYDER, stop rewriting my life story and making it worse. And what the flip is Isla? Isn’t that supposed to be Elsa because of that movie mashup of Cinderella and Frosty the Snowman I never saw?

JButt: Isla is the cutest redhead on the block, ClayHenryFord. It’s better than Elsa post-Frozen. But pre-Frozen it’s cool. SEE WHAT I DID THERE?

I’ll be honest/judge-y. Naming your baby Katniss is SUPER irritating. It’s like, that’s not even a real name. The author made it up! Let’s just throw in the towel and name everyone something in Klingon or Sindarin or another TOTALLY MADE UP LANGUAGE FOR PEETA’S SAKE.

Clay: I AM NOT CLAY HENRY FORD. You were probably named after Jessica Fletcher. BOOM. Murder She Wrote reference on the internet in the 21st century. Are you bitter because you weren’t named after Jem? She’s truly truly truly outrageous ya know.

JButt: Please. Jem was named after me. It’s an acronym, as in, Jessica Emits Magnificence. TRULY outrageous, Clayf.

Clay: Did you just call me Clayf?

JButt: YOU READ CORRECTLY.

Clay: When did all this pop culture baby name stuff even start?

JButt: I blame all the famous people who name their kids ridiculous things like Apple and North West and Kal-El? Really?

Clay: Not sure half of those people are celebs but whatevs. I think we need to bring in an expert. According to HuffPo, Knox is a rising fast boy’s name. Don’t we know the original Knox who also happens to be a pop culture expert and has named multiple children?

JButt: Why, yes, we do! Hit the Jackal switch, Clay!

Clay: *hits the jackal switch*

(Knox’s entrance music plays. It’s incredible. Smoke, fireworks, free cars for everyone, etc. It’s pandemonium but a CHARMING pandemonium.)

Knox: HEY YOU GUUUYYYYSSSSS. Yes, my name is Knox. Yes, I have named multiple human beings of both gender persuasions. So yes, this does make me basically the Neil Degrasse Tyson of explaining Namenclature.

(Knox waits. He looks expectantly.)

Did you see that. Did you see what I did. That was like a meta pun playing off the meaning of the word and… Actually, I don’t know what it was. But I know it was SOMETHING and I feel like I should point at it in case it was good.

(Everyone considers this in a super provocative and profound way)

Clay: Right then. You’re an internet legend, Knox McCoy. If it wasn’t for you JButt and I might not have teamed up to argue weekly like this. So what’s really meta is the fact that you’re appearing in a feature you had the creative vision for.

JButt: You can stop sucking up, Clay, we already got him to agree to this.

Clay: Explain to the good people of earth what qualifies you to represent here.

Knox: I have a name. I’ve given three names. This makes me super legit. Also, the names I’ve given my offspring are…different. I’m not saying that to be pretentious about it. They just are and we were intentional about that.

JButt: Intentionally lame maybe. JUST KIDDING OMG JUST KIDDING your kids are cute.

Clay: I hope you didn’t name your kid Pilot Inspektor like Jason Lee did.

Knox: RELAX. I didn’t name them like Lampshade Miyagi McCoy or anything, ok? But, we took some chances. We took some liberties. We played fast and loose with the traditional mores of human offspring naming and we regret NOTHING.

It’s the kind of situation where when we’re out to eat, waitresses are like, “She is so cute. What’s her name?” and I have this whole “THAT’S ON A NEED TO KNOW BASIS” monologue queued up like Samuel L, but my wife is a gentler soul and so she informs this person of the name. Then we have to say it again because they don’t compute because it’s not Liam or Madison or John or whatever.

Clay: JButt is partial to Peeta.

JButt: I am the opposite of partial to Peeta.

Knox: So then, we’re in this weird position of defending our kids’ names to someone who could not care less about our children’s names. And no one wins in this situation, you know?

BOTTOM LINE TIME, YOU GUYS.

There’s this weird and unspoken societal pressure to bend to the mean with naming your kids. And because of this, you get people with authority issues naming their kids Vesper Slingblade and Mozart Von Wichita because they have to express their individuality.

Clay: Are you sure they–

Knox: BUT GUYS, naming your child isn’t a place to work out your own demented issues. What’s that? You loved Dick Tracy growing up? So cool. Much greatness. All the interestings go to you, Friend. That doesn’t mean you name your son Dick Tracy Smith. WHY? Because it’s their name not yours.

JButt: (I…think we just got kicked out of our own feature, Clay.)

Clay: (Yeah, but he’s on a roll.)

Knox: Are you ready for this cruise missile of wisdom that’s headed straight for your brain heart?

JButt: It’s like we’re not even here.

Clay: Did he just say “brain heart?”

Knox: I hope you are. I hope you so are. Let me line break so this beaut so it REALLY stands out:

Parenting comes down to one thing, setting your kids up to succeed.

Don’t give them a name like Yolo Jones, because it needs to work FOR THEM. So do the right thing and don’t be a Dick Tracy about it.

Clay: But Dick and Tracy are both pretty common names.

JButt: And I mean, you only live once, you guys.

***

You can find Knox McCoy on Twitter or at KnoxMcCoy.com or at your local supermarket. Just kidding, it’s like two truths and a lie.

Jessica Buttram writes, parents, laughs, and eats too much chocolate, probably right this very moment and often all at the same time. She’s also your biggest fan. FindFriendFollow.

Author: Clay Morgan

Clay Morgan is the author of Undead. Say hi on Twitter.

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