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All By Ourselves

This week JButt & Clay got to thinking about the guy who got stuck in an airport overnight and shot a music video which proceeded to go viral. Any excuse to question each other’s life decisions, really.

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JButt: SO WAIT, you mean to tell me you haven’t seen this yet?

Clay: Oh, I saw it alright. That guy’s amazing. But why’d he have to pick a Celine Dion song?

JButt: Because it’s “All By Myself,” DOI.

Clay: Yeah, I get it I guess. I would have picked a way better song by a singer not the equivalent of watching soccer.

JButt: Oh, right, because Celine Dion is a wicked talent appreciated by the entire world over except anyone in America outside of Vegas? I feel like that one was a stretch, even for you.

Clay: Even “Summer Nights” from Grease would be super fun. I’d do both John Travolta AND Olivia Newton-John’s parts.

JButt: FATAL FLAW: “Summer Nights” has LITERALLY NOTHING to do with being in an airport, or being all by yourself.


JButt: Still dumb.

Clay: Actually, if I was stuck in an airport all night I would probably just stream Netflix documentaries until passing out on a Cinnabon-stained seat.

JButt: I feel like that’s what everyone who has NO IMAGINATION would do, too.

Clay: Well, that, um, wasn’t my real pick. I would totally do other stuff.
Photo credit: Matt @ PEK via WikiCommons

JButt: I’ll let the Cinnabons slide; that would be an essential Preppers item. But after stockpiling my Cinnabons, I would totally explore the entire airport. NO HOLDS BARRED. I would race myself on those moving pathways – are they really faster if you’re sprinting from the gate they dropped you off at to the gate they stuck your connecting flight in with NO TIME TO GET THERE AT A SENSIBLE PACE? I don’t know, but I’LL FIND OUT. And yes to using those intercoms at each gate. I could build the world’s greatest house of cards except with luggage tags. And what’s behind the baggage claim conveyor belts? A MAGICAL WORLD, I bet.

Come on, Clay, work a little harder.

Clay: I’ve ALWAYS wanted to go through the luggage belt with those long flaps that look like Shredder and Wolverine fought over them. But we’d have to stay in common areas right, or else get arrested by the TSA.

JButt: I feel like this whole post is landing us on some watch list. Hope you don’t have any upcoming international travel plans.

Clay: I might be going to Texas later this year, but I hear you still don’t need a passport yet.

JButt: Crazy Texans. In reality, I would probably spend a lot of my lonely time playing with the wheelchairs or trying to hot-wire one of the golf carts to do doughnuts by Gate A-7. I’ll also sneak into the Frequent Flyers’ Country Club probably.

Clay: I’m pretty sure the Frequent Flyers’ Country Club isn’t a thing.

JButt: That’s because you’ve never been invited. Neither have I, but I have a feeling it’s a lot like Platform Nine and Three-Quarters.

Clay: *Muggle high 5*

JButt: OOH, maybe I’ll reenact scenes from Tom Hanks’ unfortunate movie choice The Terminal.

Clay: I’d reenact scenes from Stephen King’s The Langoliers–the TV version from the 90s that no one probably ever watched three times except for me.

JButt: I almost didn’t click the link because I am a big fat chicken afraid of Stephen King but I am SO GLAD I DID. Anything that can bring together Al Calavicci, Balki Bartokomous, and a boy-girl child in permanent sunglasses (was the boy-girl supposed to be blind? I mean, it was the 90s) is pretty solid. Unfortunately, Cousin, Cinnabons won’t make that satisfying bone-crunch sound effect, so don’t be ridiculous.

Clay: Dinah Bellman. Yup, she’s blind. She also looks like this now, but I digress. Such a great story idea. Such horrible special effects. But the empty airport is fab.

Actually, if I was going to reenact a movie airport scene it would be Warm Bodies. Think the TSA would mind if I started traveling in full zombie makeup?

JButt: ABSOLUTELY NOT. Do it, Clay. I promise I’ll come visit you in TSA jail.

Clay: Hmm, I kind of feel like you’re not considering my best interests.

JButt: But if I were being completely honest, I would probably spend the entire night curled in the corner convincing myself something evil is lurking in the airport and is going to murder me and if I can just evade it until dawn I’ll be okay. Because I’m a big fat chicken. Either that or playing Threes on my iPhone until I beat my husband’s stupid high score. It’s a toss-up really.

Clay: And I would probably spend the night lurking in the corner looking for stranded travellers to scare. Then I could lip sync that R.E.M. song where he’s like Beavis singing “That’s me in the corner…”

JButt: Okay, now things are just getting weird. NEW EMPTY AIRPORT PLAN. Grab all of our friends for the most FANTASTIC and most RANDOMLY LOCATED and probably most EXPENSIVE game of CAPTURE THE FLAG EVERRRR. Right? AM I RIGHT?

Clay: You’re right. Why wait until we’re stranded alone? Let’s just all go to empty airports overnight and make new memories and/or viral videos and/or bail.

JButt: You and I can be captains. I GET FIRST PICK. I choose Chris Hemsworth and his Thor hammer.

Clay: I pick Kate Beckinsale. Okay, I’ll go second. I pick Emily Blunt.

JButt: No Di Kruger? She just had a birthday, you know, and you totally just passed her over. ON HER BIRTHDAY.

Clay: Okay, I’ll go third. DIANE KRUGER of Troy and National Treasure and lip syncing just got interesting SELF FIVE. What are we talking about again?

JButt: How super weird you’re getting. Moving on, I’ll take Ben Cumberbatch. That’s what his friends call him. He won’t do anything as far as capturing any flags, but I’ll make him sportscast the entire game. OVER THE ABANDONED LOUDSPEAKERS.

Clay: I’M GETTING WEIRD? You pick like a girl.

JButt: It’s true. Next up, I’ll take Jennifer Lawrence because she makes weird hilarious voices when she plays games.

You know this is basically just turning into, I’m just going to hang out with all of my favorite celebrities in an empty airport. Not at all weird or creepy or abducting. Maybe slightly abducting.

Clay: Okay, fine. For my final pick I’ll take Richard Dunn, the genius who shot the video in the first place. And while your team is busy watching him do viral things like the rest of the world (including Celine Dion) I’ll sneak off with Kate, Emily, and Diane to–


Clay: …capture your team’s flag.

JButt: Oh. Right. The game. You do realize my team is made up of an Avenger, a superhuman Trekkie whose day job is detective work, and a shapeshifting X-(wo)Man, right? We’ve got this IN THE BAG. And by “this” I obviously mean YO’ FLAG.

Clay: Have you even seen Underworld and Edge of Tomorrow? You act like those roles don’t even count in this delusional scenario you’ve sucked me into.


Clay: Gah. I can’t do this with you right now.

[author] [author_image timthumb=’on’][/author_image] [author_info]Jessica Buttram writes, parents, laughs, and eats too much chocolate, probably right this very moment and often all at the same time. She’s also your biggest fan. FindFriendFollow.[/author_info] [/author]

What would you do if stranded in an airport all night?

By Clay Morgan

Clay Morgan is the author of Undead. Say hi on Twitter.