American States Least Likely to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse

Clay Morgan discusses pop culture while Jessica Buttram won’t let him finish. The latest J Butting In spat began when Clay asked…

Clay: So Tennessee girl, have you seen this list about which states are most and least likely to survive the zombie apocalypse?

JButt: A). Thank you for showing me this. B). Why are Zombie Survival Response Units a thing?

See, Tennessee is near the bottom for most lists, so I’m not really surprised. And for the record, my husband watches Doomsday Preppers so I feel like we’ll be the exception to Death by Zombie. Otherwise, I’m pretty much just banking on the zombie apocalypse actually never happening. I call this plan “reality.”

Clay: Pshaw, you are SO naïve. It’s that kind of attitude that got your state ranked 43rd. You guys rank 49th in Paintball. TERRIBLE. And 46th in category of Physically Active? What is Tennessee even doing with its life?

JButt: We spend most of our time and money on watching other people play sports. Also on country music. That really doesn’t need any additional explanation.

Since when does paintball automatically equal zombie killer? I read the whole article, Clay. It cites interests on Facebook as one of their main sources of information. I think I’m going to get all my friends to add “Not Being Eaten by Zombies” as an interest and BOOM, #1 Spot, here we come. It’s science.

Clay: The list certainly has its faults. I mean, my state of Pennsylvania is only ranked 30? I disagree.

JButt: Of course you disagree. Face it, you’re going to die and zombies are going to eat your brains and all that useless history trivia you’ve accumulated will have gone to waste. Too bad, so sad, go and tell your mom and dad. NO, WAIT, DON’T. Because they’re zombies now.

Clay: Nobody in Pennsylvania ever goes anywhere or does anything. Folks around here would miss the apocalypse because they had to stay in and watch Wheel of Fortune or something. If Shut Ins was a category we’d be numero uno.

Jbutt: Or dead last because wouldn’t zombies’ prime meal be old people who can’t get away quickly? I think you’re thinking this through backwards, Clay.

Clay: Well, since you bring it up I was thinking the elderly population might help my chances. I mean, I could outrun most everyone in the county and should have plenty of time to get away and work through contingency plans A, B, and Zed. Sorry, don’t want to get too technical since you don’t even understand Zombie Survival Response Units.

The WORST part is that West Virginia is 12th! No way.

Jbutt: Look, West Virginia needs to excel in something, okay? Let’s just agree to give them this one.

Clay: Does it bother you that Kentucky is ranked 19th and you guys are all gonna die?

JButt: Clay. Literally nothing on this list bothers me, except maybe when the author used “inevitably” twice back-to-back, and that he used it to describe zombies apocalypting.

But I am VERY interested in the people on Facebook who put “Survival Skills” as an interest, and whether or not they realize everyone else is making fun of them. After that, though, the list just sort of breaks down. People with Knowledge of Zombies is an actual qualifier. I don’t know a whole lot about snakes, nor do I watch too many shows featuring snakes eating people and taking over the population, but I do know to run away in a zig-zag pattern if I ever find myself near a pit of them. Thanks, Girl Scouts of America.

Clay: Well, they also told us to run zig-zag away from alligators but know what they told me at Gatorland? NOT TRUE. So your knowledge does too matter.

JButt: A.) NOT A BIOLOGIST, but pretty sure gators and snakes are kind of two different things. B.) You know what’s real? Gators. You know what’s not real? Zombies.

But back to the article, I can understand most of the qualifiers, like military personnel, gun owners, and physical fitness. But laser tag? According to this article, few things prepare you for a made-up apocalypse like a game of laser tag. LASER TAG, CLAY. I spent a pretty good chunk of my youth group days having laser tag lock-ins, so I’m just going to fall back on that. Forget the fact that lasers don’t kill anyone and I’ve actually only shot a real gun with real bullets once. BASICALLY NOTHING PREPARES ME TO KILL ZOMBIES LIKE LASER TAG.

Clay: See, if you knew more about zombies you would know that real guns aren’t the best weapon because of all the noise they make which attracts the undead even more.

JButt: So you’re telling me real guns with real bullets apparently will do no real good in a real zombie apocalypse but LASERS that simulate shooting people as long as that person is wearing a laser vest but actually do NO REAL HARM unless you point it in someone’s eyes which the workers at all the laser tag arenas warn you not to ever, ever do will one day save my life from a real zombie who ambles slowly and with no real logical sense of direction unless you count the taste of brains and is attracted to loud noises and will actually never exist in real life?

Let me repeat: WHY IS THIS A THING?

Clay: FORGET I BROUGHT IT UP. Just don’t come crying to me when the zombies come and I’m in Alaska chillin’ like the Fresh Prince.

JButt: You realize your entire perspective is flawed, right, because the Fresh Prince would actually be ZOMBIE SLAYING in NYC. Sorry, Uncle Phil, but I am Legend.

[author] [author_image timthumb=’on’]http://www.norvillerogers.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/Jessica-Buttram2a.jpeg[/author_image] [author_info]Jessica Buttram writes, parents, laughs, and eats too much chocolate, probably right this very moment and often all at the same time. She’s also your biggest fan. Find. Friend. Follow.[/author_info] [/author]

How will your town fare in the inevitable zombie apocalypse?