Clay Morgan discusses pop culture while Jessica Buttram won’t let him finish. The latest J Butting In spat began when JButt asked…
JButt: So as children of the 80s AKA the most neontastic decade in pop culture history, I think we owe it to America to talk about this.
Clay: It’s not going to happen. Don’t toy with my childhood.
JButt: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. You’re acting like the original director of The Goonies didn’t just say The Goonies 2 is definitely happening. You mean to tell me the man who brought The Goonies to life in the first place is WRONG? You mean to tell me the totally un-senile ramblings of an octogenarian clinging to the glory days should be DISMISSED? YOU MEAN TO TELL ME CORY FELDMAN HASN’T BEEN 100% ON BOARD SINCE 1993???
Clay: Look, I love Richard Donner. He’s made some AMAZING movies in my lifetime. Superman I & II. All the Lethal Weapons. SCROOGED!!! Even Maverick was fun. But he hasn’t directed since 2006, and his comments seem overblown. Besides, how do you even do a sequel huh?
JButt: SO GLAD YOU ASKED. Richard Donner won’t return my calls so…next best thing.
PRESENT DAY: Everyone returns to the Goon Docks for Sloth’s funeral, bringing along their own kids. The second generation Goonies unfortunately are lame punks who need adventure to awaken their sense of childhood wonder and aliveness. They also probably have to avenge Sloth or something, because the Fratellis were the worst. I like to involve ALL THE FEELS in my scripts.
SURPRISE! One-Eyed Willie had a great-great-great (however many greats are needed to be accurate) grandson (I’ll let you name him) who came to the Goon Docks to retrieve his family’s treasure only to learn all that happened to his ancestor’s treasure in the original movie. With the help of The Goonies and their kids, he sets off on an adventure to find the Fratellis and the treasure that was rightfully his. Also, he senses a strong bond to Mikey thanks to Mikey’s act of tribute at the end of The Goonies. FULL CIRCLE.
BOX. OFFICE. SMASH.
Clay: Slow. Your. Roll. You almost had me for a second until you brought in One-Eyed Willie’s grandson. But you’re ignoring some critical realities:
1. You want an adventure featuring the entire original cast minus Sloth and Ma Fratelli (who clearly died of a heart attack after her arrest which further enraged her sons), all of their kids, and now some new pirate ancestor?
JButt: AS IF YOU WOULDN’T WATCH IT.
Clay: 2. Why would they have to go looking for the treasure? The first movie ends with the pirate ship discovered and lazily floating around Oregon. The government probably seized everything and put the artifacts in a museum.
JButt: This was the 80s. That ship was never seized. The treasure is still up for grabs.
Clay: Highly doubtful but 3. Those kids in the original Goonies are now middle-aged and not exactly totes adorbs anymore.
JButt: UMMM, you’re totally overlooking Samwise Gamgee, Mister Clofdo.
Clay: Okay 4. Modern movie makers would never allow a feel good film with lovable characters. All the Goonies would now have drinking problems, criminal records, and probably Chunk would be revealed as a villain in the end and I’d hate Hollywood more than ever.
JButt: Which is why I’m setting up a studio in my backyard and totally doing it my way. Probably with sock puppets.
You can’t sit there and act like you don’t have BIG PLANS for The Goonies 2. I bet 11-year-old Clay even wrote The Goonies fan fiction.
Clay: YOU KNOW HOW MUCH MIKEY WALSH MEANS TO ME. I watched The Goonies for the first time on a Saturday afternoon and will never forget. My paper route that afternoon was inspired. I’ve been whispering to imaginary One-Eyed pirates ever since. Mikey taught me to respect history. Don’t toy with my emotions either.
JButt: And that’s the kind of attitude they’re banking on. They’re going to ride The Goonies 2 in on the coattails of nostalgia. Besides, it’s not like any of them are even doing anything with their lives anymore. A sequel would be doing them a favor.
Face it, it’s either that, or a totally updated remake starring Disney Channel stars who not only act in the movie but also sing all the songs on the soundtrack. PICK YOUR POISON.
Clay: Fine, I choose poison over this sequel. Better idea: Let’s make a reality show in which unoriginal writers and producers have to navigate an underground cave with booty-traps set by true fans like us.
JButt: You mean booby-traps.
Clay: That’s what I said! They got to do what’s right for them. Because it’s their time. Their time up there! Down here, it’s our time. It’s our time down here. That’s all over the second we agree to this sequel.
THE GOONIES MOVIE HAS BECOME THE GOON DOCKS, JBUTT. And we have to save it.
JButt: FINE. We’ll just let Mikey continue making those Lord of the Rings movies, and Mouth can keep cropping up on TMZ randomly, and Chunk can stay in obscurity doing whatever it is he’s doing, and Data can continue being best known as my 5-year-old self’s doppelgänger and Richard Donner can keep reliving the good old days like the old guy in The Notebook.
But I fully expect to get a pocket full of priceless jewels at the end.
[author] [author_image timthumb=’on’]http://www.norvillerogers.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/Jessica-Buttram2a.jpeg[/author_image] [author_info]Jessica Buttram writes, parents, laughs, and eats too much chocolate, probably right this very moment and often all at the same time. She’s also your biggest fan. Find. Friend. Follow.[/author_info] [/author]
Do you think they should make a sequel to The Goonies?
Bonus: Johnny Galecki & Conan Re-enact The Goonies
