Coolsville Creative Nonfiction Pop Culture

Real Man’s Pro-Life

The Supreme Court’s ruling overturning Roe v Wade left me aghast because it hasn’t gone far enough. Biblical faithfulness requires we set our sights on that most sacred of cows: male ejaculation.

Friends, like many of you, the Supreme Court’s ruling overturning Roe v Wade left me aghast because it hasn’t gone far enough. Sure, the Libs called it a massive victory for regressive patriarchy. But what’s regressive about wanting our nation to look like a culture from thousands of years ago that was run by Dads? Those same so-called Christians claim I’m only opposed to abortion because the Religious Right tricked Evangelicals into becoming one-issue voters, rendering us facile, easily-manipulated caricatures of faith-filled citizens. Fools! We have to consider something that’s actually facile and easy to manipulate: the penis.

I hope you agree with me that our fight has only just begun. If we want a truly Christian Nation™, one that is immune to the lies of science and avoids the slippery slope of reading the Bible in context like post-modern seminarians, then we must – we are compelled – to set our sights on that most sacred of cows bulls: male ejaculation. Here we must stand. We can do no other.

It’s true that the judge whose spouse actively worked to undermine our democracy has promised to come after gay marriage and even contraception (though he left out interracial marriage – an oversight, I’m sure and nothing to do with his own interracial marriage). Surely, those will fall next, given that we have two justices who, in order to obtain their seats, lied under oath to a Congress ready to swallow said lies. (True, lying under oath violates the ninth commandment, but if God really cared about it, wouldn’t it at least make the top five?)

But have you heard even the faintest whisper about male ejaculation? No. Ejaculation is responsible for nearly 100% of pregnancies! If we’re serious about stopping abortions, then surely it would be wise to pass a few laws about where we men are allowed to sow our seed (this isn’t just a polite euphemism! It’ll come up again faster than ((allegedly)) Brett Kavanaugh in college! Speaking of Kavanaugh, who cares what he did in college? He’s a Supreme Court Justice, not a Sunday School teacher. Though if he wanted to teach Sunday School, there are plenty of churches who’d happily let him teach their kids.).

The truth is that most male ejaculation is sinful. Every day that passes, billions of future-humans perish inside gym socks, down shower drains or swaddled in latex.

Where is my proof, you ask, for such a shocking claim? None other than the Bible, of course. I am a Serious Pastor™, after all. Every belief I have is based on at least one – and no more than three – verse from the Bible. Genesis 38 tells us the story of wicked Onan:

Since Onan knew that the offspring would not be his, he spilled his semen on the ground whenever he went in to his brother’s wife, [Tamar,] so that he would not give offspring to his brother. What he did was displeasing in the sight of the Lord, and he put him to death also. — Genesis 38:9-10

There you have it: Onan didn’t want to make a baby, so he spilled his seed (There it is, as promised). Euphemisms aside, Onan ejaculated in a way that ensured he could not make a baby. And that was displeasing in the sight of the Lord, so God killed him.

Some Christian men will cry for context here. But ask yourself: did we need careful interpretive work to know we must stand against abortion? Of course not! Does it matter than the phrase, “You knit me together in my mother’s womb,” happens in a poem? Of course not! I believe the Bible literally, so I know for a fact that babies are made when a man and woman have sex, and then God shrinks down, tiny knitting needles in hand and knits a baby.

Libs say that this knitting language is a metaphor. But if that’s true, where should we stop? Should we observe that the whole chapter is a poem, that none of it makes a statement about biology? Next, they’ll suggest we attend to Exodus 21:22-23, which regards a fetus as the legal equivalent to property not a person. Or to Numbers 5, which ordains abortion as a sacred method to determine whether a woman has had sex outside of marriage! You might think these verses support abortion rights, but that’s not possible because we already know the Bible is against abortion. That’s why I find it easiest to ignore these verses. Thinking too much gets you in trouble – almost as much trouble as masturbating!

My point is that we have liberated enough verses from the tyranny of context to support our views on abortion, so let’s take it to the logical end. Let’s criminalize male ejaculation that doesn’t result in a baby.

I know it will be hard. The legislation, I mean. Maybe we can come up with some trackers that can be (relatively) painlessly inserted in the penis before the onset of puberty. That way, boys would come of age constantly aware of the threat we pose to God’s sacred order. And since we’re obviously not going to have any sex education in schools, we must hold parents responsible to make their boys aware of the consequences of even one errant ejaculate.

After all, there are a minimum of 40 million sperm in an ejaculation. That’s 40 million future babies every time a man ejaculates! I don’t use the word ‘holocaust’ lightly (unless I’m trying to score points against pro-choice Christians), but friends, 40 million is a lot of future-babies. Is that good science? Who cares! People who lived thousands of years ago didn’t understand how babies were actually created, so we don’t need to either! Don’t let facts get in the way of what feels true!

I’m tired of wishy-washy so-called Christians celebrating this half-victory of overturning Roe v Wade. Our fight will not be over until not one man in this country can ejaculate without fear of the strong arm of God the law descending in judgment. We must criminalize the sin of Onan.

By JR. Forasteros

JR. lives in Dallas, TX with his wife Amanda. In addition to exploring the wonders that are the Lone Star state, JR. is the teaching pastor at Catalyst Community Church, a writer and blogger. His book, Empathy for the Devil, is available from InterVarsity Press. He's haunted by the Batman, who is in turn haunted by the myth of redemptive violence.